The Princess Diaries Mia Goes Fourth

Sneak a peek
Saturday, January 2, Royal Genovian Parliament

You know, I am supposed to be on vacation. Seriously. I mean, this is my Winter Break, I am supposed to be having fun, mentally recharging for the coming semester, which is not going to be easy, as I will be moving on to Algebra II, not to mention Health and Safety class. Every other kid I know is spending his or her Winter Break in Aspen, skiing, or in Miami, getting tanned.

But me? What am I doing for my Winter Break?

Oh, well, right now I am just sitting in on a session of the Royal Genovian Parliament, pretending to be paying attention while these really old guys in wigs go on about whether or not to give free parking to the patrons of Genovia's many casinos.

Oh, yeah. That's a good way to spend the precious few weeks I have off from school. At this rate I will absolutely return to New York well-rested and ready for whatever awaits me in my second semester of my freshman year at Albert Einstein High School. Thanks, Dad. Thanks, Grandmere. Thanks so much.

No one even wants to hear my opinion about the whole parking thing, of course. That if we don't charge for parking it will encourage more people to drive over the French and Italian borders instead of taking the train, clogging up Genovia's already very busy streets and causing yet more strain on our infrastructure.

But why should anyone be interested in what I have to say on the matter? I am just the Princess of Genovia. My opinion obviously doesn't matter. Which would be why no one is listening to me, just arguing over the top of my head with my dad, who fortunately shares my opinion that a nominal parking charge – I'd jack it up to about thirty Euros a day, if I were him – is appropriate.

Fine, whatever. Like I care. I am pretending to take notes, since Grandmere told me I had to, as one day I will be sitting in my dad's chair (sadly not the throne – that is in the throne room back at the palace) in front of Parliament and have to make all the decisions. But really I am recording my innermost thoughts and feelings in this book. Like the fact that I think Interior Minister Pepin looks exactly like this howler monkey I once saw on World's Funniest Animals. Or that Secretary Renard needs to start watching his saturated fats intake.

Not that it is at all princesslike to comment on the physical inadequacies of others. Especially when I have so many physical inadequacies of my own.

But it isn't like I don't have enough to worry about. I mean, I can barely bring myself to believe that a whole new year has actually started. Seriously. So much has happened to me since last year – enough that probably a better-adjusted person might have totally lost it. Fortunately, since I was born a biological freak, and am therefore very used to adversity, I was able to take it all in my stride, for the most part.

But if I had been anyone else – like Katie Holmes, or maybe one of the Olsen twins – I so fully would have not been able to deal. Because, you know, Katie and Mary Kate and Ashley are totally gorgeous and self-actualized, and never worry about anything. Whereas I, in less than a year's period, have been through so much trauma and angst it is a wonder I am not on Oprah every single day, pouring my heart out to Dr Phil. I mean, in the last four months alone, I have found out that:

1. My dad is the Prince of Genovia, and that I am his heir. 2. My grandmother is the Dowager Princess of Genovia, and that it is her duty to train me for the day I will ascend the throne. 3 . My mom is having my Algebra teacher's baby (but unlike me, my new brother or sister will not bear the stigma of illegitimacy, since Mom and Mr Gianini are married). 4 . My best friend Lilly's brother, whom I have loved since the day I met him, when I was in the first grade and he was in fourth and he came over in the playground to give Lilly her social studies project which she had forgotten (an exact replica of the Parthenon, in red Play Doh), actually loves me back, and now we are going out.

Or at least we will when I get done with my first official visit to Genovia since discovering I am the sole heir to its throne, and am allowed to return to my normal life as a ninth-grader in New York City.